Age of The Nerd
Dating My Mother may sound like a weird reality show on TLC but it’s actually a new film from Mike Roma about a single mother (Joan played by Kathryn Erbe, D2 the Might Ducks) and her gay son (Danny played by Patrick Reilly, Danny the Manny) who have an intimate and sometimes tumultuous relationship as they deal with the new wave of online dating.
We got Roma for an over the phone interview to talk about his film. In this interview, Roma explains where the idea of the film came from, artistic creativity and how it was like working with Kathryn Erbe, Patrick Reilly and Kathy Najimy (Hocus Pocus).
AOTN: The film had a very unique premise. You have this relationship of a mother and son, the son being gay and the mother coping with the loss of the son’s father. Both are trying to date in this modern era of social media. Where did this idea all come from?
Mike Roma: So I was writing the movie while I was living the premise. Meaning, that I was graduating film school and came back home to New Jersey, wasn’t really sure where I should be headed next. I’m queer, so going back to Jersey, I felt a little that I had to go back into the closet, not in any real way in terms of like pretending I’m straight but it’s just the deepening of the voice, maybe not wearing your most flamboyant and prettiest outfit in the world, it’s just turning it down to a certain extent. At the same time, I had really just spent a lot of time with my mom, as if we were in a relationship, it was the two of us at her childhood home so it felt like we had this weird relationship almost, especially since my friends were in the suburbs in New Jersey. So I saw a lot of humor in that situation when she started going on dates and stuff and finding a man for herself. And I really resisted it, I assumed that I wouldn’t be in Jersey for that long. She sort of pushed me in a way to put myself out there. So I thought it was an interesting take on a coming of age story. Coming of age stories, especially stories of people graduating from college are pretty common, so I wanted something that felt of that experience but was unique to my experiences.
AOTN: So this film is pretty much based on your life.
Mike Roma: Yeah to a certain extent. The premise is definitely rooted and true but the plot points, those are made up.
AOTN: That’s awesome to get some of your own story told in a feature film and this early on in your career. I know that you directed and wrote this film, how was that experience like with taking on these tasks?
Mike Roma: It’s definitely an undertaking but I enjoy it so much. It brings me life for sure, to be able to direct the words that I’ve written, to work with actors to strengthen the script. I view writing and directing as very similar tasks, they’re both forms of writing. Directing is writing and collaboration, and writing, while it’s collaborative, the development of it is definitely a solo venture until you get some friends that you trust to give you notes. The most important thing and the part that I’m most grateful for is surrounding myself with a group of really good people who had my back. A lot of the crew members are friends of mine from film school and we were all living in my mom’s house at the time or at an extended stay nearby, we actually shot in her home so that brought more…I think, of an authenticity to the story that we were actually able to share with audiences once it was done.
AOTN: The part that really stood out to me about the movie was that when the character Danny would engage in a conversation through text, rather than just show him texting or having the texts pop up on screen, you brought that person he’s having the conversation with into the same room as Danny. Where did you get that idea?
Mike Roma: That idea…I just remember it was pretty innate. I was writing pretty loosely, I guess you could say, when I was writing I just saw where the words took me to a certain extent. I had plot points developed and stuff but it’s not like I had the idea of online dating in real life first and then sort of fit it into a story. I was just looking for a way to creatively show these conversations happen and even though, you know, you can never read the subtext of one of these messages to know what there person is actually saying, you just have to put your own perspective on a “hey” or “You up?” or any of these other messages people send each other and I find it really interesting how there’s this sort of transactional quality to sex now particularly with apps and everything. It’s almost like, tasks grab it or something you know? It’s like okay well I have my two o’clock hook up and my three o’clock repairman you know? [Laughs] or whatever. So I think I wanted to highlight that awkwardness to it. So film a screen…I just don’t really find that very visually engaging or interesting, like we are always on our screens, you know, there’s a different way to do it but not only is it just like a cool thing but adds to it artistically.
AOTN: You got to work with Kathryn [Erbe] and Kathy [Najimy], who are two amazing veteran actresses, how was it like working with them?
Mike Roma: Very surreal. I wrote the role with Kathy Najimy in mind actually, the year before shooting the project, so I kind of had to kept pinching myself during the process like wait, she’s actually not only going to be on set but in my mom’s home. It’s a memory that I’ll always have, being able to direct her, remembering how I always thought about her as a character while writing and what she brought to the character and strengthened her and made her more three dimensional and real. When I got Kathy on board, I wrote all the actors a letter expressing my passion for the story and how it was personal and I shared a web series that I had previously done, to show them something I’ve done as a proof-of-concept, something that has a similar style and tone. And I was lucky that Kathy was the first to sign on because it made it easier for everyone to feel validated in their opinions of the script and hop on board as well. So I saw Kathryn Erbe in “Mistress America” shortly after writing the script and I just thought to myself, she could be a good Joan, I remember turning to my friend after that screening and saying that and then a year later her being signed and attached to the movie. I don’t know, life is crazy like that. It definitely gets me more motivated for the next project as I’m talking to you now.
AOTN: Speaking of which, what is your next project?
Mike Roma: I have a lot of things in development right now, I can’t really share the storylines for them but I’ve got a web series, a feature, and a tv show that I’m developing. The tv show I can say that it is the show version of the web series that I did before “Dating My Mother” so it’s called “Danny the Nanny”. It’s about a gay babysitter, he discovers that the boy he’s watching likes to crossdress and it’s another queer story or queer character in the suburbs, only this time he has this more adult role and he has to figure out how he should go about helping out this child who is questioning gender in societal constructs in a way that he did as a kid too. And that also will be starring Patrick Reilly from the movie.
AOTN: Oh awesome! I saw on your IMDb that you had worked with him before and so I take it that he’s kind of like your muse that you go to fill a role.
Mike Roma: He is, yeah. At this point, I write with him in mind and I really love writing for him because first of all, he gets the words that I’m putting on the page and he also elevates them when he’s saying the words and delivers them in ways that I wouldn’t have expected, even though now as I write for him, I start to anticipate what would Patrick do with these words and you know, what do I not need to say that maybe normally in the past, I would have said in a script and spell it more explicitly that I know Patrick can do easily and subtly. So I’m lucky to have someone that I can call a muse and I already have one role cast in pretty much any project I that I make [laughs], which is awesome and he can do it all honestly. He can do comedy, he can do drama, high concept stuff, musicals, so I’m excited for what the future holds for the both of us.
Mike Roma’s film Dating My Mother is available on digital.
